Oscars FAQ

In honor of Hamnet, attendees will receive honey-baked hams encased in mesh nets.

Photo by Andrew Eccles

The Oscars are Hollywood’s biggest night. The glitz! The glamour! The convenient amnesia about Brad Pitt’s problematic past!

If you’re feeling unprepared for the Academy Awards, have no fear—I’ve got you covered like a phone booth in The Secret Agent.

Where are the Oscars being held?

At an undisclosed location that, God willing, Adrien Brody will never find.

For whom are the Oscars being held?

That guy at work who never shuts up about the cinematography in Train Dreams.

By whom are the Oscars being held?

The presenters and, moments later, the winners.

Who is hosting the Oscars?

Conan O’Brien, but all Conan’s stunts will be performed by Chris Fleming in an orange pompadour wig.

When were the first Academy Awards?

1929. Douglas Fairbanks took home the Oscar for Jakest Mac, a victory the Times dubbed “a load of horseradish.”

What is the titular Academy?

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. The arts are doing the heavy lifting here, except with films like Oppenheimer (seven-time winner) and Flubber (famously snubbed).

How many members does the Academy have?

More than 11,000, 10,000 of which are actively white.

Do they have to watch every nominated film before they vote?

Sure, the same way you have to read an app’s terms and conditions before you check that little box.

Why are Oscar ballots anonymous?

To protect the identities of people who vote for F1.

How do I watch the Oscars?

On mute while filling out your March Madness bracket.

Why are the Academy Awards moving to YouTube in 2029?

So we can enjoy them the way the Academy always intended: sandwiched between a thirty-second video of a skunk riding a raccoon and a six-part series on why 9/11 never happened.

But won’t that tarnish the Oscars?

If it does, there are plenty of DIY guys on YouTube that can show us how to restore them.

What are Oscars made of?

Though they appear gold, Oscars are actually composed of an alloy of bronze and aggressive PR campaigns.

Why is the Oscar statuette a knight holding a sword?

Because the Academy is waging a 100-year crusade against female directors.

Who is going to win the new award for Achievement in Casting?

Marty Supreme’s Jennifer Venditti for being bold and visionary enough to cast Timothée Chalamet as a cocky little guy.

How did No Other Choice not receive any nominations?

It failed to snuff out the competition.

What will be included in this year’s gift bags?

In honor of Hamnet, attendees will receive honey-baked hams encased in mesh nets.

What musical artists will be performing?

As he did in Frankenstein, Jacob Elordi will sing a heartbreaking rendition of “Monster Mash.”

What’s the dress code?

That depends—are you Colman Domingo?

I’m not.

(Sigh.) Black-tie formal.

What’s the bathroom code?

3497.

Do you all have WiFi?

If you’re going to be here for four hours, you really need to buy something.

Are the Oscars always this long?

They used to be even longer, before they instituted the pitch clock.

Where is this year’s Vanity Fair after-party?

At an undisclosed location that, God willing, Adrien Brody will never find.